Mulut Harimau

"Kalau nggak sakit yaa... Itu namanya gak suka, Di."

Aku ingat kurang lebih beberapa belas bulan yang lalu temanku berkata kalimat itu kepadaku. Ketika aku selesai menceritakan topik spesifik berjudul keluh kesah hati. Aku sempat tertegun beberapa saat, berusaha memaknai maksud dibalik kata-katanya. Bertanya-tanya mengenai beberapa kemungkinan. Apa benar rasa sakit bisa jadi tolak ukur seberapa pentingnya orang tertentu di hidupmu? Pertanyaan terekstrem yang membuat aku berhenti berpikir dan memutuskan untuk menyudahi saja pembicaraan itu, bagaimana mungkin orang yang saling menyayangi bisa saling menyakiti?

Aku teringat sebuah pepatah hari itu menutup otakku yang terlanjur berisik bertanya.

"Mulutmu, harimaumu."

Hidup?

Aku tahu hidup tidak semanis gula kapas. Tidak pula sepahit biji palapa. Hidup bagiku adalah... proses. Sampai detik ini banyak cerita yang aku alami. Beberapa terceritakan, beberapa tertelan dalam hati. Kadang kala memang apa yang terceritakan terasa lebih nyata. Mungkin itu alasan mengapa aku kurang terbuka mengenai beberapa hal. Bukan, tidak, aku tidak sok misterius. Jika aku tidak menceritakannya kepadamu, harap jangan disalahartikan. Hanya saja lebih baik kurasa itu hanya pikiranku saja dan sejujurnya aku tidak mau membuatmu melihatku rumit.

Manusia bisa bosan mendengar cerita. Khususnya cerita yang itu-itu saja. Sejujurnya, aku menghindari hal ini.

Ignorance is a Bliss

This time we both know that there is no winner or loser. 

All I know for sure,

we deal with it,

 we forgive, 

but never forget.

I've told you, kid. 

Ignorance is a bliss.

Keep that in mind.

Starting Over

The fact of being overly attached with someone really bothers me. After all I've been through, after time has passed, and after I thought I was done building a wall around myself, but then I see, I still can see myself failing. Again. Well, they say:

Never get too attached to someone, because attachments lead to expectations and expectations lead to disappointments.

This doesn't scare me. The thing I scare about is that one day I would blame us for taking this path in such a hurry and all of this would be fragments then no one and nothing in the world could ever, ever, fix this. 

Give life some time. Give love some time.

Tertawalah

Tertawalah ketika kamu memikirikan hidupmu. Terkadang hanya butuh satu hal yang bisa dilakukan ketika aku berhadapan dengan beberapa keadaan dalam hidupku. Kenapa? Aku gila? Mungkin. Tapi sepertinya aku akan lebih gila kalau aku malah memikirkannya lebih jauh. Teman-temanku menilai aku orang yang over-think. Aku rasa saat ini sudah berkurang, jauh dari itu. Setidaknya, menurutku. Walau setiap malam aku masih sulit tidur, meladeni isi otakku yang tidak berhenti berpikir. Tapi percayalah, saat ini tingkat over-think ku jauh lebih berkurang.

Mengapa?

Pembelaanku, mungkin sekarang aku lebih realistis. Aku lebih tidak muluk-muluk. Aku lelah mencoba menebak isi kepala orang lain. Aku lebih baik tertawa, membiarkan isi pikiran dan lamunanku menguap. Bukan, bukan dengan serta-merta membiarkan waktu membawaku, tapi lebih kepada berpikir realistis. Di awal tahun ini aku pernah mengatakan aku tidak akan berhenti berharap. Aku tidak akan, aku yakin. 

Kenapa judul post ini tertawa? Sesimpel karena setiap mengingat hal ini aku tertawa. Bukan lagi bertanya, bukan meratapi. Tawaku mungkin bukan tawa bahagia. Tapi aku yakin suatu hari ini akan membawaku untuk bahagia atau setidak-tidaknya proses belajarku sebelum aku bahagia. Kebahagiaan itu bisa dicari. Namun, untuk saat ini, aku belum menemukan petanya. Walau mungkin sebagian diriku tahu kamu dimana. Sedikit harapku bahwa kamu memberiku sedikit tanda. Seperti potongan roti dongeng Hans & Gretel atau M&M's di film Petualangan Sherina. Apakah kamu sempat menaburkan potongan roti sepanjang jalan ini? Atau apa mungkin potongan roti itu sudah dimakan burung yang kicauannya sering kudengar setiap ku melewati hutan belantara ini?

Lebenslangerschicksalsschatz

Lebenslangerschicksalsschatz, “lifelong treasure of destiny”, is not something that develops over time. It is something that happens instantaneously. It courses through you like the water of a river after a storm. Filling you and emptying you all at once. You feel it throughout your body. In your hands. In your heart. In your stomach. In your skin. Have you ever felt this way about someone? 

If you have to think about it, you have not felt it. 

Everyone does eventually. You just never know when or where.

This is what How I Met Your Mother had told me since the beginning of its 8th season. Surprisingly, I believe in it. I might have felt that way about someone. Someone that I really care about. Someone that I could remember almost everything which related to him, without any effort. But I don't know whether do I still have to think about it. Sometimes I get confused, sometimes I do want to universe to tell me something, sometimes I do want to be visible. Now I get tired of waiting for the sign from universe. "Aren't you tired of waiting for destiny, Ted? Isn't it time to make your own destiny?" Yes, unfortunately, Robin's right.

But now, I am clueless. I don't believe in coincidences. I don't want people to tell me what to do or to tell them what to do. I don't want myself to tell me what to do either. There's gotta be something to do. 

I've been thinking about lebenslangerschicksalsschatz. Will he ever find me? 

If I haven't met him yet, where are you, is there a traffic jam along the way? 

If I have met him, are you having a second thought? Do you have any idea where are we heading to?

Looking forward to watching the 9th season of HIMYM!

Pahami

Dalam hidup, beberapa hal secara sengaja dilisankan, dituliskan, atau bahkan tidak sama sekali. 

Jikalau kamu ingin tahu, hendaknya ucapkan setiap kata yang tertuliskan. Mereka-reka makna dibalik setiap larik yang dilisankan. Perhatikan yang tidak terkicaukan, jikalau kamu ingin memahami. 

Sebagian orang yang ingin berbicara tanpa membawa nama. Berteriak bebas dengan sebuah embel-embel. Menyapa tanpa sebuah alasan. Tidak semua orang dapat berkata-kata lugas, namun tidak semua orang juga dapat melihat apa yang tak kasat mata. 

Kurasa aku ingin memerhatikan apa yang tak terkicaukan, karena aku ingin lebih memahami. Jauh lebih dari sekedar ingin tahu. 

Lucu ya melihat bagaimana dunia memutar balikan cerita

Yang dalam mimpi pun tidak berani untuk memikirkannya

Musim pun silih berganti alur pun tak sama

Bertemu kembali pada skenario baru yang berbeda

Rising!

When you've got long way to go, And as far as your eyes can see is aridity, will you give up?

Kemarin malam, tiba-tiba terlintas dipikiran gue,

"Rise and rise again. Until lambs become lions"

Ya, itu salah satu quote terbaik yang pernah gue tau. Gue sangat suka membaca quotes. Quotes pertama yang sangat gue suka yaitu,

"Rise above the storms then you'll see the sunshine"

Gue suka sekali quotes yang berbau semangat. Berbau keoptimisan. Berbau tidak pantang menyerah.
It's all about rising, am I right? Don't let yourself falling. Keep rising. Keep moving forward. Keep positive. Keep dreaming at nights, and try all the best to make the dreams come true at days. Okay, that's my quote I made it myself. :D

Holding

Sometimes I feel like I don't belong here. Hanging on the invisible branch. My body is too weary. It tells me that I can't take it anymore. I feel like I'm gonna bumped myself on the floor. But my heart tells me a different thing. It tells me that I can do it. I'm not gonna hurt myself by bumping my body onto the floor. I don't wanna regret what I've done in the future. But don't you see these branch-cuts in my hands?

Mono-lo-gue

Sometimes I think it's gonna be better if I never told you guys who I am. I just wanna write freely, you know. I just wanna write everything that I want to write. Without hard feelings or statement which is hurting those who read my writings.

There are a lot of monologues inside my mind. A lot of wearinesses.

I find it fun to be anonymous...

From Will Hayes to April

"I wanna marry you because you're the first person I wanna look at when I wake up in the morning, and the only one I wanna kiss goodnight. Because the first time that I saw these hands, I couldn't imagine not being able to hold them. But mainly, when you love someone as much as I love you, getting married is the only thing left to do. So, will you, um, marry me?"

Movie : Definitely, Maybe.

God! This man is the one. He's the one. How can you still be standing at your feet at the very moment if someone-who loves you just the way you are- are saying this to you and he means it? Look at those bold the firsts and the onlys! This is the man everyone's dreaming about. This is the man that I've been looking for. He doesn't have to get down on his knee. He just has to say it. Just say it.

Drama

Dan akhirnya gue mengeluh lagi...

Gue ingin yang 'manis', seperti yang gue bilang di post gue sebelumnya. Mungkin memang gue terlalu banyak nonton film film yang kata sahabat gue itu film 'shit', you know what? Sahabat gue bilang film shit itu film DRAMA! Hell no, itu hobby gue nonton film drama men.

Apa yang membuat wanita bodoh di depan laki-laki? Katanya karena kita terbuai sama yang namanya ke-'sweet'-an. Entah darimana gue berpikiran setelah gue nonton film dari The Proposal, License to Wed (pas vownya ditulis di pasir, that's killin me), Meteor Garden 1 & 2, Korean Drama Full House (super sweet dan silly) sampai Boys Before Flowers (sialan sweetnya) puuuun bikin gue bisa teriak teriak.

Okay mungkin gue yang berlebih. Tapi siapa coba yg nggak pengen diperlakuin special sama orang yang lo sayang?

Mungkin gara-gara itu juga, manusia berjenis kelamin wanita berharap. Berharap untuk diperlakukan seperti yang ada di film film itu. Intinya, gue nanya, 'Emang salah kalau berharap?'

Dang man! Jaman sekarang one in a million banget lo cari cowok kayak gitu. Gue juga mau kalo ada, sekarang.

Thousands

This silly little thing
Won't change anything
It's simply yet confusing
Dear, can you be here for thousands springs?

Written by me

Sweeter is better

I have one here,
but I want sweeter :(

Sometimes, you just can't get everything you want. Those criteria which you want them so bad are not inside of one person. They're like spreading everywhere.

Dear, can you be sweet in every way?

Pilihan

Ketika kamu dihadapkan kepada 1000 pilihan, berpikirlah dua kali
Tapi ketika kamu dihadapkan kepada dua pilihan, berpikirlah 1000 kali

Ibu Wahyuni, Guru Sosiologi

Life Cycle

Now here it comes a peculiar side of me

Babies - Teens - Adults

Can you see that cycle?

Okay pertama, saat lo 1-2 tahun orang tua melatih lo jalan dari merangkak guling2 segala-macem. Lanjut, saat lo 4-5 tahun lo bakal berusaha gimana caranya lo udah bisa baca lancar. Sampe akhirnya lo sampe di usia 10 tahun dan lo harus bisa ngurus kebersihan diri lo sendiri setidaknya. Orang tua merasa they have a big responsibility to lead you. Whatever it is.

But what if you are a teenager now? Did your parents tell you about how can a baby born or about reproduction and thing? My answer, my parents did not. So what do you think? Don't we need that infos?

Apa lo merasa penasaran kenapa orang tua lo nggak membicarakan dan memberitahu lo langsung ttg hal itu? Apa menurut beliau pendidikan sekolah sudah cukup? Aduh anehnya gue iya. Mungkin itu memang hal yang tabu dibicarakan beberapa orang tua, dan ya gue mengerti. Hanya 2 dari 10 teman gue yang orang tuanya membicarakan langsung hal itu (tentunya dengan disensor ya).
Tapi gue bersyukur kok dengan apa yg gue punyai sekarang, at least, they care about me and teach me how to treat myself. Again, I have to behave.

Tapi gue sedikit lebih berjanji kepada diri gue sendiri, gue pengen ngajarin anak gue nanti (amin) tentang hal-hal yang ingin mereka tau atau setidaknya garis besarnya lah. I wanna be the first person who talk to them about this 'taboo talk' and teach them how to value virginity. LOL

Hahaha gue terlalu berpikir panjang sepertinya. Seperti kebanyakan wanita lainnya, gue ingin punya anak nanti pada waktunya hehe :)

Cheers!

Sweet

Awwwwwww, that's so sweet. I found it on Google. But I forget the url, sorry. I wanna be that girl who has written this!

"It's okay, i still love you"

Complicated

I have a thing. Can't tell. Tapi gue bingung apa yang bisa gue lakuin kalau bukan cerita. Kalaupun gue cerita, mereka hanya akan bisa ngasih gue opini. Sedangkan yang gue butuhkan itu fakta, tapi entah fakta apa. Gue juga bingung.
Diluar daripada itu, I'll stay. I know there are too many 'buts'. But, for what? But, For whom? But, why should I stay if no one needs me anyway? Where can I hold on? No branches no waterpipes, and within minutes I will fall into the ground. So, what now? Why should I stay if it's possible that I'm the one who gonna fall? Instead of those questions the bold one is I'm staying here. I'm going nowhere.
Whoever read this, I mean it.

Reality vs Dream

One day, the Princess said,
"Dream spoils me
Reality kills me
It'd be better to dream then
We can run away from facts"

And the King said,
"Oh keep dreaming, you my lil' princess
Someday you'll fall into the ground
Next, you can't even stand with your own feet dear one
Unless you make it real"

Written by Claudia Anjani